Regina and Emma Get Stuck Under A Bed
by writetherest
Summary: When Regina finds out that Killian Jones is stealing her ideas for his mayoral campaign, Emma convinces her to sneak into his house and steal some of his. But they get a little more than they bargained for Written for Swan Queen Week - Day 7 - Trapped Together


**Author's Note:** Written for Swan Queen Week - Day 7 - Trapped Together.

This whole idea, as well as a good bit of dialogue, was shamelessly stolen from a Designing Women episode titled 'Julia and Mary Jo Get Stuck Under A Bed'. I just couldn't resist it. It's kinda cracky and ridiculous, but... ah well. I hope you enjoy it none the less. It's a non-magic AU and there's a lot of mentions of heterosexual sex, but none between our ladies.

Unbetaed, so all mistakes are mine.

Also, I don't own Designing Women or Once Upon A Time, so please don't sue me.

* * *

"You guys are never going to believe this!" Emma huffed as she burst through Regina's front door and into the study that had recently become her mayoral campaign headquarters.

"What is it that we'll never believe, Miss Swan?" Regina asked without ever looking up.

"I was just down at the animal shelter to finish setting things up for your publicity appearance –"

"Volunteer work." Regina corrected, although they both knew what it really was.

"Whatever." Emma rolled her eyes. "And David – who is on his way over, by the way – told me that Killian Jones is coming in the day before you."

"Killian Jones?" Mary Margaret looked up from where she was stuffing envelopes. "Isn't he that hunky sailor who's running against Regina? The one everyone calls Captain Hook?"

Emma frowned. "First of all, he's not hunky. He wears eye liner for god's sake! Secondly, Captain Hook is the dumbest nickname ever. And last, he's a former sailor. Now all he does is sleep and drink his way up and down the coast."

"And run for mayor." Kathryn points out.

"I cannot believe that!" Regina growls angrily. "He is obviously just copying my campaign plans! And now, with him going the day before me, it's going to look like I'm trying to copy him!"

"Well, how did Killian find out about our plans?" Emma frowns.

"Apparently we have a break in security." Kathryn said, looking up as David came into the room. "David, have you heard anything?"

"No. All I know is that he came in yesterday and said he wanted to volunteer. He gave me the day and said it had to be then. So he obviously knew what Regina's plans were."

"Either this is an extraordinary coincidence – which I do not believe it is – or someone has been running their mouth around town." Regina looked at each of them before her eyes narrowed and settled on one.

"Oh," Mary Margaret squeaked when she saw the look Regina was giving her. "Well I – I may have – I mean – I might have said something to Leroy but – oh, Regina – you have to believe me – I would never purposely try to hurt your campaign! I was just so excited and –"

"Save it, Mary Margaret." Regina snapped. "Oh, I cannot believe this! He doesn't even care about the animal shelter. The only reason he's doing that stop is because he heard we were. Damn it."

"Maybe we should go to Sidney." Emma offered up an idea. "Tell him that Jones is stealing our campaign ideas."

"My campaign ideas." Regina sassed at her, then shook her head when Emma just raised an eyebrow at her. "And no, if we do that then we sound whiny and afraid of him."

"If only there was a way to get information on what he's doing." Kathryn murmured.

"Excuse me," Marco, who had been working on fixing some wiring for Regina, said, "but I might be able to help."

"Marco, I don't want to be rude, but how could you possibly help?" Regina asked.

"Well, Mr. Jones has hired me to do some handy work for him. He is leaving today for a long weekend in Bermuda."

"A long weekend in Bermuda. God. Who does he think he is?" Emma spat, disgusted.

"A stud, apparently. He parades women around like nobody's business. I can't believe the voters aren't appalled by his behavior." Kathryn huffed.

"Ha! All the women look the same – blonde, big boobs – so he probably thinks the voters won't notice the difference. Hell, he probably doesn't even notice the difference!" Emma cracked. "Anyway, Marco, you were saying that Killian had hired you to do some handy work for him?"

"Yes. And he gave me the key to his house."

"You have a key to his house? Oh, Marco, that's perfect! Would you let us have it?" Emma's eyes shone.

"Emma!" Mary Margaret scolded.

"You're all my friends here." Marco smiled at them. "It only seems fair if he is stealing ideas from you."

Emma leaned forward and kissed Marco's cheek. "Well? Are you all thinking what I'm thinking?"

* * *

"I just think it's pretty dishonest to be breaking into other people's houses to try and get campaign information… especially since you're running against them." Mary Margaret groused as they stood in the foyer of Killian's house.

"Well, Mary Margaret, maybe if you had kept your mouth shut, we wouldn't have to do to this!" Regina hissed at her.

"Besides," Emma cut in to try and keep things from escalating, "we aren't breaking into anyone's house. We used a key. And we're just trying to even out the score a little. He stole one of our ideas, we'll steal one of his ideas… that's it."

"Still, I don't think –"

"I don't care what you think, Mary Margaret." Regina snapped. "If this is a problem for you, then just go ahead and get out! In fact, that's what I'd like to do as well. Quickly go look and then get out of here."

"Alright." Emma said, putting her hand on Regina's arm in a calming manner. "Mary Margaret, Kathryn, David, Ruby, you guys go check around down here, see if you can find his office or something. Regina and I will scope out the second floor."

"Miss Emma, you can look around up there, but you cannot get into Mr. Jones' bedroom." Marco told her. "He has a key and his housekeeper Mr. Smee has a key, but that's it. Apparently he keeps his safe in there."

Emma snorted. "Don't worry, Marco, we're not interested in the family jewels – stud that he may be. Come on, Regina," she called as she headed towards the stairs.

Regina frowned for just a moment before following her up the stops.

"Look!" Emma said as she came to a door that was hanging open. "Smee must have left the door open." Emma pushed the door to the bedroom open and flipped on the lights.

"Emma, we don't have any business being in here." Regina reminded her.

"I know, I know." Emma smirked. "But come on, you never know what he might be keeping in here."

"Unless you're going to use your criminal skills to crack open his safe, I highly doubt that there is anything of interest for us to find here."

"Still, it's fun, isn't it?" Emma quirked an eyebrow. "Sneaking around in the room of the man that you're going to beat in the election. It's a bit of a thrill, wouldn't you say?"

"Emma." Regina said, her voice holding a warning.

"What?" Emma grinned, innocently, climbing up onto his bed. "He's just got this great, big bed here… aching for some attention."

"Emma. Stop it right now." Regina told her, even as her eyes raked over Emma's form.

* * *

"Oh no!" Marco gasped as he looked out the front window. "Emma! Regina! Mary Margaret! Ruby!"

"What?" Ruby asked as she raced in from the study. "What's the matter?"

"I just saw Mr. Jones' car pull up out front." Marco pointed out the window. "He's with his girlfriend. They're unloading their luggage right now! We've got to get out of here!"

"Where are Emma and Regina?" David asked.

"I don't know! But we must leave now or Mr. Jones will kill me. We've got to go out the back door now!" Marco started pushing them towards the door. Mary Margaret and Kathryn went with David following quickly behind them.

"Regina! Emma! We have to go! Now!" Ruby yelled, hoping they could hear her.

"Hurry!" Marco encouraged, slipping out the back door behind Ruby just as he heard the front door opening.

* * *

Emma wiggled around on the bed with a laugh. "Come on, Regina. Live a little. I mean, it's gotta be a little thrilling to you – us here, like this. In Killian Jones' bedroom. Can you imagine if we actually got caught? Not only would he bust a gut, but you'd probably get kicked out of the race and –"

The sound of a door closing downstairs reached them.

"What was that?" Emma asked, sitting up on the bed.

Voices could be heard, coming up the stairs.

"I hope you're happy!" Regina hissed, her eyes going wide. "Somebody's coming. And it's not anyone from our side of the campaign!"

Emma listened closer and then gasped. "Oh my god, it's Killian!" She grabbed Regina's arms. "Oh my god, what are we going to do?"

"Quick! Get in the bathroom." Regina shoved her towards the door to the bathroom.

"No!" Emma hissed back. "That's the first place they'll look!" She looked around frantically, her eyes finding the closet before landing back on the bed. "Under the bed!"

She moved to slide under, but Regina grabbed her hair, yanking her back. "No!"

"Ow! Damn it, Regina!"

"I am _not_ hiding under anyone's bed."

The voices grew louder.

"We don't have any choice. Get under the bed." Emma shoved her forwards and they both ducked under the bed quickly.

They had just gotten safely under, pressed tightly together, when Killian entered the room. "What the hell?"

They tensed up, sure that they'd been caught.

"My door's half open. Damn Smee. Never doing his job. I better check my safe." He moved around the bed, stopping with his feet just near Emma and Regina's head.

Another voice was heard then, as high heels came into view and the bed dipped slightly. "Oh, Hookie, I'm so glad our flight was cancelled."

Emma looked at Regina with a look of disgust as she mouthed 'Hookie?' to her. What the hell kind of nickname was that?

"All I want is to spend the weekend in bed with you."

"You know, I never get tired of you. That funny way you crinkle your nose. Just the way your hand feels on my cheek. It's like the first time, every time." Killian said.

Emma went through a gagging motion and even Regina couldn't hold back her look of disgust at that.

"So did you remember to bring in those Jellies of the World that we got at the airport?"

"Of course, love. They should be in your carry-on." Killian's shoes turned to face the bed. "So, first mate, maybe you can tell me about the conditions of our sail today?"

"Well, I see a long, hard voyage ahead, Captain." The blonde breathed breathily as Emma and Regina rolled their eyes again.

"Mm. Then you best prepare to get wet."

Emma did gag then, but the sound was drowned out by the creaking of the bed as Hook and the blonde collapsed on it.

"Oh god! Oh, Hook. Oh, Hook! Oh, Hook!"

Emma and Regina both looked horrified.

* * *

"This is a nightmare! I knew we shouldn't have gone over there!" Mary Margaret whined as she paced back and forth.

Kathryn rolled her eyes. "I just don't understand why they haven't called or texted."

"Maybe because their cellphones are right here." David held up the two phones that Emma and Regina had left lying on the table.

"Damn it. Now we have no way of knowing where they are or if Killian has caught them." Kathryn frowned.

"Well, we have to do something." Ruby insisted. "Maybe I should just go over there and –"

"No! You can't do that, Ruby! He'll know that we're with Regina. It'll just get us in even more trouble!" Mary Margaret whined.

"Look, Mary Margaret's right. We can't go over there until we know whether we need to or not. I'm just going to call over to his house and see who answers." David said, heading for the phone.

"Make sure you block your number!" Ruby called.

* * *

Meanwhile, at Killian's house, the bed was still rocking and Emma and Regina were still stuck under it. Regina looked ready to kill someone… Emma just hoped it wasn't her.

They'd never hear her scream. Not over all the screaming and moaning the blonde was doing. "Oh, Hook! Oh, Hook! Oh, Hook!"

She was finally interrupted by the ringing of the phone.

"Yeah?" Killian rolled over and answered the phone.

David tried to disguise his voice by talking in a very high-pitched tone so he would sound almost like a woman. "Hello. May I speak to Killian?"

"Who is this?" He asked, sounding slightly suspicious of the voice.

"Uh – guess!" David squeaked out.

"Um… Heather. No, Tammy. Sarah? The other Sarah?" Killian rattled off names while Emma and Regina rolled their eyes at him. They could not believe this.

David quickly hung up the phone.

"Who was that?" The blonde asked when Killian replaced the phone.

"I don't know. They hung up. Now, where were we?"

"Oh, Hook!"

* * *

"Well?" Ruby asked when David hung up the phone.

"That was him, I recognized his voice. He didn't seem upset, so I don't think he's found them."

"Well, thank goodness for that!" Mary Margaret sighed.

"Yeah, but poor them, stuck hiding somewhere in that house." Ruby lamented. "I wonder what they're doing right now?"

* * *

"Oooooh, Hook!" The blonde gasped before finally quieting for a minute. "You're the best, you know that?"

"Well, I have been told… Once or twice." Killian laughed.

Regina and Emma watched as bare feet hit the floor and walked towards the bathroom. Just as the door shut, the phone rang again and Killian answered.

"Yes? Oh, Heather! Yes, this is my private line. What? No. I could never get tired of you. That funny way you crinkle your nose."

Regina smacked Emma's arm and Emma nodded in agreement – the guy was a total skeeze.

"Just the way your hand feels on my cheek. It's like the first time, every time. Okay babe, gotta run. Call you later." Killian finished and hung up the phone, just as the blonde came out of the bathroom.

"Who was that?"

"Oh, just a wrong number." Killian grinned and Emma and Regina both gaped.

"Hookie, let's go get something to eat. I'm starving." They perked up at that, seeing their opportunity to finally escape this ridiculous situation.

"Okay. But before we do, how about one more appetizer." Killian threw the woman back on the bed and the gasps of "Oh, Hook! Oh, Hook!" started again.

Emma banged her head against the floor, trying in vain to drown out the noise, while Regina held her ears.

* * *

"Well?" Kathryn asked as Ruby and David came into the house.

"We drove by the place three times and Ruby even got out and did a quick walk around the perimeter. There's no sign of them anywhere. And if they had gotten out, they would've called us or made it back here by now. So they've got to still be hiding somewhere in that house." David told them.

"It's been almost six hours!" Mary Margaret sighed. "I just hope wherever they are, they're happy and well fed."

* * *

"Oh, Hook!" The blonde moaned again. "You're so amazing."

"You know, only when I'm with you, can I truly be me." Killian said as Emma and Regina both gagged yet again.

"I'm starving, let's go out to eat!"

They perked up at that, hoping against hope that they could finally be free.

"No, that will take too long. Let's just go to the kitchen and whip up something quickly there."

It wasn't ideal, but still, it would give them a chance. They both looked at each other with smiles on their faces.

"Okay!" The blonde hopped off the bed with a grin, heading for the door.

Killian followed, but then stopped and turned back around. "Oh wait. Better lock the door." Emma and Regina both began frantically shaking their heads. No. He couldn't. He wouldn't.

"Why, there's nobody else here?"

"I know, but I just feel better when the door's locked." He grabbed the keys and Emma and Regina could hear the sound of him turning the lock. "There. Now, last one to the kitchen's a rotten lover!"

The blonde squealed and they could hear the sound of footsteps on the stairs. Quickly, both women lunged out from under the bed. Emma raced to the door, hoping against hope that maybe it hadn't locked, but as much as she twisted and pulled on the door, it didn't budge. "No! No! Come on!" Emma ground out in frustration.

Regina sat down on the chest at the end of the bed, her head falling into her hands. "I don't ever want to hear about, think about, or in anyway be associated with anything concerning sex ever again in my lifetime." She said.

Emma sank down next to her. "I can't believe he locked the door." She could feel herself about to lose it. "Regina, we've got to get out of here! What are we gonna do?"

Regina stood up and moved over to the bedside table. "I'll tell you what we're going to do. We're going to call for help on this phone. We're going to break that door down if we have to do. And, if worse comes to worse, we're going to jump off this balcony because I cannot hear one more Hook, oh Hook, oh Hook, oh Hook."

"Okay. Okay." Emma reached up to soothe Regina. "I wonder what happened to the others? I mean, I can't believe that they'd just leave us here."

"I don't know, but I am starving. Where do you think they put those Jellies of the World?"

"Try the bag." Emma nodded towards the bag as she went to the phone, quickly dialing Ruby's number. Regina began to rummage around in the bag.

"Ruby!" Emma exclaimed when the phone was answered. "Where the hell are you?"

"Well excuse me, Emma, but just where the hell are you?" Ruby's voice came through the line.

"I'll tell you where the hell we are. We have been locked for the last six hours in Mr. Killian Jones' love chamber. To be more specific, under his bed. And let me tell you something… this man could be a flagpole somewhere."

Regina grabbed the phone from Emma.

"Ruby. Ruby, listen to me. You have got to get us out of here right now. I cannot take another minute of this – this – this total depravity. This has gone way beyond breaking the rules of the mayoral campaign. There is no way that we can admit that we have been under this man's bed tonight and have seen and heard the things that we have seen and heard. Forget dropping out of the race. We would have to leave this state. We would have to leave this country. We would have to hope for two seats on the space shuttle! No one must ever know that we were ever here. No one must ever speak of it again." Regina ranted.

"Woah. Okay, Regina. Call down." Ruby said.

Emma took the phone back from Regina. "Listen, Ruby, when you guys come over, can you bring us some food too? We haven't eaten anything since this morning and we're starving."

"Of course. Just hang in there. I'm on my way." Ruby promised.

Emma hung up the phone and then froze.

"What?" Regina asked as she held up a basket filled with Jellies of the World in triumph.

"For a second, I thought I heard, Oh, Hook! Oh, Hook! Oh, Hook!" Emma whispered, moving closer to the door.

Regina followed, pressing her ear up against it, but couldn't hear anything. "Listen," she said, looking at Emma, "let's just start screaming. And then when they come up and open the door, we'll hit them over the head and knock them out."

"What are we gonna hit them with?" Emma asked.

Regina held up the basket. "Jellies of the World!"

Just then, the phone began to ring. Regina picked it up as Emma protested. "Regina! Don't answer that!"

"It might be Ruby calling back." Regina said as she hit the answer button. "Hello?" Her eyes widened just a bit, the only signal that she was worried. "No, Mr. Jones is out."

"Hang up!" Emma whispered frantically. "Just hang up."

"This is his personal secretary. May I take a message?" She listened and then nodded. "Yes, Tammy, as a matter of fact, he did leave a message for you. He said he never gets tired of you. That funny way you crinkle your nose. Just the way your hand feels on his cheek. It's like the first time, every time. You're welcome. Goodbye."

Emma let out a laugh as Regina hung up the phone, holding up her hand for a high five. Just as Regina's palm met hers, Emma could hear the sound of voices coming up the stairs. "Oh lord. I think Lolita and Thumper are coming back!"

"Emma, I am not getting under that bed again."

"Regina, we can't go anywhere else. We've just gotta stick it out for a little bit longer. We can do this. Get under the bed."

Regina sighed. "I cannot believe this." She crouched down to crawl back under the bed when Emma reached out and touched her shoulder.

"Wait. Jellies of the World." She handed the basket over and then dropped down too.

They slid back under the bed and got out of sight just as the door opened.

"Well," They heard Killian say, "I don't know about you, but I'm ready for some dessert!"

"Oh, Hook!" The moans started again as the two bodies fell on the bed, causing both women under it to wince.

Emma slid her way out just a bit to peek up to where Killian had dropped the keys on the edge of the bed. Seeing her opportunity, she snatched them quickly while the other two were none the wiser.

Regina offered her a wide smile and a small jar of peach marmalade when she opened her palm to reveal the keys.

* * *

"Oh, Hook! Oh, Hook!"

Emma popped open the jar to the last Jelly of the World. They had already managed to make their way through the others. Emma was a fan of the peach marmalade – she'd scraped the jar with her finger on that one – but not as happy with the rhubarb jam that Regina had opened. One small taste had been enough for her. The blackcurrant preserves had been decent enough, and Regina had seemed to like the gooseberry jam as well. Regina had completely devoured the apple cinnamon jelly, not even offering her a taste of it, so Emma had retaliated by eating the entire jar of raspberry jam. They'd both agreed to pass on the red pepper jelly unless absolutely necessary. Which left them with only one more jelly – strawberry.

She offered it over to Regina with a small smile and Regina was just getting ready to take a taste when the sound of the doorbell ringing echoed through the house.

"Who on earth could that be?" Killian asked. "And where did I leave my keys?"

Emma's hand clenched tightly around the keys she was holding.

The doorbell continued to ring and soon the sound of banging joined it. "Sounds like we better go see who it is." The blonde sighed and she climbed out of bed.

"I suppose you're right, love." Killian followed.

As soon as they were gone, Emma and Regina jumped out from under the bed and spontaneously hugged in celebration. "Let's get out of here." Emma whispered into Regina's hair.

They quickly dashed out of the bedroom after Emma tossed the keys onto the bed, only to hear Ruby's voice floating up the stairs.

"Killian Jones! Just who the hell is this with you? Are you banging another woman? Are you?" Her voice was high and screechy. Both woman laughed. Ruby, wearing a long blonde wig, had both of them mesmerized with her wild, crazy ex-girlfriend act, and Emma and Regina were able to slip down the stairs without being noticed.

"How could you? After I gave you everything!" Ruby began to flail her arms around, still ranting all the while. Emma picked up on the signal though – she was pointing towards the kitchen. There must be a back door.

Emma grabbed Regina's arm and they dashed into the kitchen, sighing in relief when they found a door with Kathryn waiting on the other side.

"Oh thank god!" They rushed out of the house and hugged Kathryn quickly before heading towards the car that was parked just down the street.

"Food!" Emma exclaimed as soon as they were safely in the backseat. She and Regina both practically dove on the food, grabbing their respective items and beginning to chow down.

"Well, hello to you too." David laughed from the driver's seat. They both offered him a wave and a mumbled "hi" through their bites of food.

A minute later, Ruby strutted up to the car, opening the door and climbing in.

"Ruby! I could kiss you!" Emma shouted at her. "How did you manage to get away from Killian?"

"Oh please." Ruby rolled her eyes. "I just finally stopped shouting, turned and slammed the door on him. He and his girl are probably back up in bed as we speak."

"Oh, Hook! Oh, Hook!" Emma moaned. Everyone turned to look at her.

"Shut. Up." Regina growled and Emma laughed. "We will never speak of this again. Do you all understand?"

Everyone nodded.

* * *

"So," Emma said later, when everyone else had left the house for the night. "What you said in Killian's room… about never wanting to hear about," she popped a button on her shirt, "think about," another button, "or in anyway be associated with," another button, "anything concerning," she leaned over and whispered in Regina's ear, "sex ever again in your lifetime…"

Regina reached forward and grabbed her shirt, yanking open the remaining buttons. "If you moan so much as once tonight, I will kill you." She swore, before crushing her lips against Emma's.

Emma laughed and let out one "Oh, Regina!" just for good measure.


End file.
